Circadian Rhythm Disorder (Originally Published Jan. 21, 2014)

It’s so damned painful to wake my sorry ass up in the morning!!! 
I set the alarms the night before miticulousely. Three alarms.
“Is this going to be enough?” I think to myself?
Paranoid questions run through my head so fast that I don’t even realize the self inflicted torture I put myself through…

“Okay…first alarm, double checked, it’s on and ready to go, no chance that it can malfunction for any reason.It’s plugged in, plenty of electricity, it’s set for AM and not PM (I’ve made that mistake before too many painful times)…

is there ANY other reason why this thing would NOT go off in the morning?
is it going to be loud enough?” (okay okay deep breath)


then I move on to the next two alarms in the same method…painfully aware of all the times I have done this and yet for some unexplainable reason the damned things did not seem to go off……but lately I have come to face the reality that perhaps I have actually slept through them. All of them…Hit snooze, or turned them off in my sleep and had absolutely ZERO recall of doing any of it. 

Is it possible? 
Worse yet, I feel like sleep is controlling me, my life, and everything in it. 
My routine is all backwards.I have lived a nocturnal existence for years, and it depresses me to no end.I believe without a shadow of a doubt, that this is a symptom of the brain tumor. Here is a link I found that supports my theory. This is exactly the same type of tumor I have.

This patient had circadian rhythm disorder for three years. My complaint has lasted for longer than that.

I have gone years being called LAZY, and feeling this way. Asking myself why I can’t seem to get on the same schedule as everyone else.

Why was it so hard for me?

I must be really lazy and a really bad person to not be able to complete the simplest tasks in a day.
Waking up just to get my son to school is physically painful for me.There are harder days than others. I worry about the kind of lessons and discipline I am teaching him, especially as his single example to look up to in this world. 

Is there anyone out there who experiences what I go through? 


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