Munchausen’s By Proxy?? (entry 1)

 

 

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I contemplate a lot on the cause, or causes, of my medical conditions.
Western medicine isn’t much help. I just get a big fat “We don’t know” from them.

I have a suspicion, which has grown over the years. It started as a nagging feeling in the back of my head and I just kept pushing it away, like a fly that kept buzzing around me. I have a hard time coping with the guilt that comes along with asking these kind of questions about my own blood, but, sometimes the ugly truth ends up staring you in the face…

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As a child my siblings and I were sick a lot, with the same mystery symptoms. More times than not, doctors could not find the cause.
Upset stomach, sore throat, sometimes a fever, low immune system, always pale, always low weight, low energy. Often I would get pain in my abdomen that was unexplained. Several times I was taken to the emergency room thinking it was appendicitis.

I was referred to a psychiatrist by several doctors after they had exhausted every possible illness.

On several occasions I felt like I had to act like things were worse than they actually were because my mom was making such a big deal about it to the doctors and the staff, and then the neighbors and my whole family.

But it wasn’t a conversation about “my poor child”

…no it was “poor me, I have a sick child, what did I do to deserve this…boo hoo”.

It was not uncommon for my personal illness to be talked about among the entire neighborhood, everyone at church, school, my extended family…everyone. Every ache, pain, conplaint became bigger than it actually was.

I would be sick as hell, sitting in the doctors office sometimes, and she would be eating up all the attention and I’m sitting there thinking to myself ‘Wait a second, I’m the patient here..’

Did my mom have something to do with my current illness?
Had she been making me and my siblings ill as children?

Could that have possibly had long term affects?

My little sister has been sick for a while, Is she still doing it to her?

She also intentionally instigated beatings by my dad, and would sit back, arms crossed and watch with a very satisfied expression on her face, as if she was getting off on watching her children in pain.

I don’t understand why…unless she had a reason to be angry with us.

But what could it be?

Divinity

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Fate

Our fate led us here.

Our past, Our pain, Our Journey’s

All dancing in a beautifully timed rhythm, destined to meet at this single point!

This Moment.

We could have given up.

Heaven knows we have all had our moments.

Yet somehow, instead of being as broken or as damaged as we believe,

WE RISE!

Like a Phoenix from the ashes, strength pulsing through us to our core.

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The very presence of air in our lungs, is a medal of honor, and we wear it bravely.

We fall

We crash

We burn

We cry

We ache

But we still have the strength to FEEL something!

With hearts of armor- formerly battered, tortured & broken,

they RESILIENTLY beat on!

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We are the soldiers forged in a battlefield of the worst kind of hatred.

We will wield the endourance of the most seasoned veteran, and lead the next generation into the future.

We are strength!

We are Hope!

We are Deserving!

We are Beautiful!

We are Worthy!

We are Lovable!

Today is better than yesterday!

It is Yours!

It is Mine!

Today is OURS!

So Dance, Smile, Twirl!

This is nothing short of DIVINITY!

A reason to breathe,

To really BREATHE!

And to

SMILE!

A Clean Break

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“I just have to make it to my car without crying” I thought to myself, as I waved one final goodbye to the jovial receptionist in the front lobby area. The front doors closed behind me, every cell in my body screaming to turn back around and say I had changed my mind.

It was all I could do to force myself to keep walking, tears flooding my eyes. I fumbled with my keys, trying to see what I was doing through my tears. ‘click’, unlocked. Once inside, the wave of emotion overtook me and everything came flooding out.

A memory of his smile at the park flashed through my mind.

“I did it.

It’s come to this.

I’ve gotten too sick to take care of my own child.

I am lucky to have found a place like this, a spiritual community filled with love and all the needs and values I can’t provide for my child.

His whole life, he’s had a sick mom. It’s time he’s free to play and be a normal kid. My best is not good enough anymore. If child protective services got involved, I don’t want to think of what may have happened. This was needed.”

~~~

I remember the drive home vividly.  I was not prepared for the feeling that had come over me.

I had just signed power of attorney over and placed my child in someone elses care for an undetermined amount of time. This has been a mentally and emotionally consuming issue for me over the month leading up to last Friday.

I’m definitely in a state of Grief, with more of a motive to be healed than ever.

The peace of mind knowing he is okay, and enjoying his life, instead of waiting on me to get better, helps me relax enough to just focus on me now. It turns out it’s what we both needed.