I contemplate a lot on the cause, or causes, of my medical conditions.
Western medicine isn’t much help. I just get a big fat “We don’t know” from them.
I have a suspicion, which has grown over the years. It started as a nagging feeling in the back of my head and I just kept pushing it away, like a fly that kept buzzing around me. I have a hard time coping with the guilt that comes along with asking these kind of questions about my own blood, but, sometimes the ugly truth ends up staring you in the face…
As a child my siblings and I were sick a lot, with the same mystery symptoms. More times than not, doctors could not find the cause.
Upset stomach, sore throat, sometimes a fever, low immune system, always pale, always low weight, low energy. Often I would get pain in my abdomen that was unexplained. Several times I was taken to the emergency room thinking it was appendicitis.
I was referred to a psychiatrist by several doctors after they had exhausted every possible illness.
On several occasions I felt like I had to act like things were worse than they actually were because my mom was making such a big deal about it to the doctors and the staff, and then the neighbors and my whole family.
But it wasn’t a conversation about “my poor child”
…no it was “poor me, I have a sick child, what did I do to deserve this…boo hoo”.
It was not uncommon for my personal illness to be talked about among the entire neighborhood, everyone at church, school, my extended family…everyone. Every ache, pain, conplaint became bigger than it actually was.
I would be sick as hell, sitting in the doctors office sometimes, and she would be eating up all the attention and I’m sitting there thinking to myself ‘Wait a second, I’m the patient here..’
Did my mom have something to do with my current illness?
Had she been making me and my siblings ill as children?
Could that have possibly had long term affects?
My little sister has been sick for a while, Is she still doing it to her?
She also intentionally instigated beatings by my dad, and would sit back, arms crossed and watch with a very satisfied expression on her face, as if she was getting off on watching her children in pain.
I don’t understand why…unless she had a reason to be angry with us.
But what could it be?