“I just have to make it to my car without crying” I thought to myself, as I waved one final goodbye to the jovial receptionist in the front lobby area. The front doors closed behind me, every cell in my body screaming to turn back around and say I had changed my mind.
It was all I could do to force myself to keep walking, tears flooding my eyes. I fumbled with my keys, trying to see what I was doing through my tears. ‘click’, unlocked. Once inside, the wave of emotion overtook me and everything came flooding out.
A memory of his smile at the park flashed through my mind.
“I did it.
It’s come to this.
I’ve gotten too sick to take care of my own child.
I am lucky to have found a place like this, a spiritual community filled with love and all the needs and values I can’t provide for my child.
His whole life, he’s had a sick mom. It’s time he’s free to play and be a normal kid. My best is not good enough anymore. If child protective services got involved, I don’t want to think of what may have happened. This was needed.”
I remember the drive home vividly. I was not prepared for the feeling that had come over me.
I had just signed power of attorney over and placed my child in someone elses care for an undetermined amount of time. This has been a mentally and emotionally consuming issue for me over the month leading up to last Friday.
I’m definitely in a state of Grief, with more of a motive to be healed than ever.
The peace of mind knowing he is okay, and enjoying his life, instead of waiting on me to get better, helps me relax enough to just focus on me now. It turns out it’s what we both needed.