Munchausen’s By Proxy?? (entry 1)

 

 

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I contemplate a lot on the cause, or causes, of my medical conditions.
Western medicine isn’t much help. I just get a big fat “We don’t know” from them.

I have a suspicion, which has grown over the years. It started as a nagging feeling in the back of my head and I just kept pushing it away, like a fly that kept buzzing around me. I have a hard time coping with the guilt that comes along with asking these kind of questions about my own blood, but, sometimes the ugly truth ends up staring you in the face…

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As a child my siblings and I were sick a lot, with the same mystery symptoms. More times than not, doctors could not find the cause.
Upset stomach, sore throat, sometimes a fever, low immune system, always pale, always low weight, low energy. Often I would get pain in my abdomen that was unexplained. Several times I was taken to the emergency room thinking it was appendicitis.

I was referred to a psychiatrist by several doctors after they had exhausted every possible illness.

On several occasions I felt like I had to act like things were worse than they actually were because my mom was making such a big deal about it to the doctors and the staff, and then the neighbors and my whole family.

But it wasn’t a conversation about “my poor child”

…no it was “poor me, I have a sick child, what did I do to deserve this…boo hoo”.

It was not uncommon for my personal illness to be talked about among the entire neighborhood, everyone at church, school, my extended family…everyone. Every ache, pain, conplaint became bigger than it actually was.

I would be sick as hell, sitting in the doctors office sometimes, and she would be eating up all the attention and I’m sitting there thinking to myself ‘Wait a second, I’m the patient here..’

Did my mom have something to do with my current illness?
Had she been making me and my siblings ill as children?

Could that have possibly had long term affects?

My little sister has been sick for a while, Is she still doing it to her?

She also intentionally instigated beatings by my dad, and would sit back, arms crossed and watch with a very satisfied expression on her face, as if she was getting off on watching her children in pain.

I don’t understand why…unless she had a reason to be angry with us.

But what could it be?

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11 thoughts on “Munchausen’s By Proxy?? (entry 1)

  1. I am so sorry you have to even contemplate the possibility that your mom was responsible for the symptoms of you and your siblings. Awful. Munchausen’s By Proxy is very real, though. Have run into it a couple times in my career.

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  2. I too have experienced this and the questions that come with it. Mainly, it has been the confusion that comes with having a mother who seems to benefit from her child’s illness. I never understood why, while I was on what felt like my death bed, my mother was on the phone with her friends just bursting forth with all of the gory details of how bad she had it. All the while, there was this strange sense of satisfaction that I sensed in her. This goes against all logic and “mother sense” for me. It is my greatest fear and worst nightmare that my children fall ill. I have no idea how to wrap my mind around my mother’s creation and use of my sicknesses.

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    • THANK YOU!!! (Head vigorously nods) I am absolutely beside myself when my poor child has a headache…wishing I could just take it onto myself!!!
      And memories of my moms foreign behavior flash through me now, and I realize just HOW WRONG it really was. It just does NOT fit!!!
      I laugh at your memory of your mom being on the phone like that, only because I have the same memories!!!
      Her answering the door all excited, practically drinking up all the attention MY pain was getting her!!!
      I am furious about it!!!
      I wish I could get my hands on my old medical records and see if any doctors ever suspected munchausens.

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      • I was sitting in a class in graduate school, and we had to watch a video on munchausens. I literally passed out in the middle of class. Thought it was blood sugar for a while. Now I think that it just resonated with me and triggered a child part!

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      • Wow. I was In such denial that it never registered until maybe a year ago. It’s funny, when you grow up under such duress and extremes, that you never question it. Like recognizing other peoples problems from a distance much sooner than seeing your own when they are right under your nose. This is the part that has me the most baffled, and shaking my head. How did I miss it? How could I have been so blind? Am I over reacting now?
        But I can’t be. If this was over reacting, then explain the signs. Too many of them to be ignored. I feel betrayed by my own judgement. 😞

        This is my inner dialogue, round and round I go. Only to repeatedly wind up at the same conclusion… Something foul is in the air, and it smells of munchausens.

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      • This is so similar to my dialogue. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that unnecessary pain and suffering. It defies logic and what I understand a parent to be. It does compound it when you have your own children….like almost even deeper betrayal. But I guess now is the time for some kind of redemption, right?

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      • This is so right. Now is the time. I spoke to a caseworker on the phone yesterday with the national center for missing and exploited children, and I guess these people may be able to investigate and seek justice for people like us.
        The concept of no longer carrying this burden feels foreign to me but is a welcome thought. I breathed a deep sigh of relief when I hung up, at the possibility that this may not be my fight anymore. I did not realize what a weight off my shoulders this could potentially be, but now it leaves me ravenously hungry to get there.

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      • I have news!!!! I recently got all my pediatric medical records and boy oh boy are they revealing!!!
        They tell a story of a child who was most likely physically and sexually abused, mysterious injuries (a broken rib? For running into a pole?!!!, and being seen for a broken nose a week after the incident which would later require 3 seperate reconstructive surgeries)

        And a child suffering with depression and anxiety from age 7 and up. Multiple doctor recommendations to be seen by a therapist and I was never taken.

        My first suicide attempt at age 17… It’s all in there.

        Just wait for my next expose on these monsters who raised me.

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