Sucker Punched!

(WARNING: TRIGGERING!!!

Contains material regarding childhood sexual abuse, morbid material,

 Deep rooted extreme emotional trauma, suggested mutilation, Multiple types of Abuse. Please Read with caution.)

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I have had very minimal contact with some of my extended family recently on Facebook. In some twisted hope that perhaps someday…maybe…I don’t know.

Anyway, I received a friend request from a cousin maybe a week ago, if that.
Then a few days ago, out of the blue she asked me some very personal questions about past abuse with my father, and if it was true.

I was honest with her, and warned her, as any half decent person would do.

I noticed the next day, that she had blocked me.

Out of all the times I have spoken my truth, and made my story known to warn the extended family about my monster asshole dad…I have not gotten ANYTHING but doubt and criticism!!!

I am the laughing stalk of all my blood relatives!!!

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NEWS FLASH!!! Monsters are real!!!

They are called Child Molesters, Rapists, Murderers, ETC!!!

And unfortunately, they always have a family, and sadly their family ends up hurt!!!

And the famous last words are ALWAYS “We NEVER saw the signs!” and “How could we have been so stupid?” or “How did we miss something like this?” or maybe even “Well we knew he may have had his issues, but nobody’s perfect.”

All I have to say to you is Good riddance, DUHHHH, and Deuces!!!

I fuckin tried man.

I really did.

Like I said before, I’m done trying to save victims that don’t want to be saved.

I’m no savior…

and I’M NOBODY’S MARTYR IETHER!!!

So I don’t even wanna hear that shit when your lives come tumbling down,

or you face charges for being an accessory or whatever.

Funny part is, I won’t even need to have anything to do with it.

Karma is a Bitch!!!

***

I’ve been pretty upset over this incident and I’ve been reeling ever since.

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It’s almost like I’m several different people all wrapped up into one.
But one person has surfaced a FUCKIN LOT lately:

***

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The little girl inside me screams.

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She’s trapped in a soundless room filled with everyone she should, and desperately needs to trust.
But they will never hear.
Her skin is porcelain, and she appears untouched.

She is only a baby on the outside.

Who, pray, has deflowered and bent this child?

Eyebrows permanently furrowed. Acid teardrops scar her cheeks.

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Her shoulders bear a guilt-load that scrapes at her heart.

Her whimpers are scrutinized, and turned inside-out.

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A dark figure with scary eyes lurks in the shadows.

Waiting.

It knows just where to stay hidden.

There are nails, barbed wire, chainsaws, hammers,  zippers, and knives.
There is blood.

Her fear is twisted and used up by the dark figure, making it stronger.

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Her screams echo.

With their painted on smiles, she is patted on her head and told:

Hush.
Big girls don’t cry.
Big girls don’t cry.
Big girls don’t cry.

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Confusion swirling around in her head.
She crumples to the ground.

They sway like marionettes, and turn their backs.

…IT swoops in.

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She is offered up.

Again and again.

Sometimes she cries, but then she gets better.

It has no weakness.

It has no feelings.

Like a robot.

It eats fear.

It eats acid-tears.

It’s whispers reach her bones, licking her core.

Telling her she is bad.

She was born like this.

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These insidious words are a cleverly implanted time-bomb,planted caressingly through the well rehearsed compassion and deceptively slipped into the part of her heart she should keep most guarded.

The bomb is designed to go off randomly, its debris intertwining it’s darkness into her insides, repeating it’s slimy whispers incessantly throughout her entire, little body.

She is oblivious.

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It loves her, but she made it be this way. She must try harder.

She forgives.

They love her…right?

Love is a confusing thing.

She must bleed more and talk less.

Let us paint you a smile, they say.

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“Screaming is bad, talking is bad. I must pretend.

Because…

Big girls don’t cry”

In the silent room with their pasted on grins…

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they bless the blood.

She doesn’t die, yet she cannot live.
They never hear, they choose not to.

***

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The dark figure thrives on in the daylight now.
Only she can see it.

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She is the crazy one.

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9 thoughts on “Sucker Punched!

  1. Every time you write a new piece I find myself taken back by the rigor and unapologetic beauty of your truth. It’s inspiring. Maybe what I respond so much to is the little girl in me coming out to relate. The little girl that has been silenced from day one and even when good people listen there seems to be a window of time for her to be heard. What I feel reading this is beyond identifying with you, it’s wanting your words to never stop, wanting them to keep flowing, for the pictures to keep showing up, for everything you feel to keep being formed into sentences…because what I have come to know is that even those who believe me or support me have a timeframe on my words being about my abuse. I do realize it’s hard for others to hear or read, and I respect that as empathetic humans we don’t want to watch others be hurt. It’s harder, it’s hardest, to have had this happen to me. It’s harder for this to have happened to you. I say this all the time with my eating disorder when friends or family freak out. It absolutely affects them, and I support others getting their own therapy and doing their own work around it—I do not support silencing the wounded one because you can’t take it. Yes I know it’s hard to hear I starve myself, yes I know it’s hard to hear I have more flashbacks…I promise it’s harder for me. I promise when I’m told to stop talking because it’s “too much” it’s not the adult you see before you cry…it’s a little girl. You’ve just told a little girl to stop. So when I read your words, I feel my little girl being heard. You’re a great writer, and I’m always going to be glad I found you here. Hugs to your day!! xoxoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    • I was VERY scared to post Sucker Punched because I was digging up, in essence, an unmarked grave or possibly worse. I had hit the first horrible crime scene and put it on display in “Leave it to Beaver”. Where bad things never happen.

      People have learned not to have sympathy, or worse, to feign false sympathy for the victims these days because it’s all too common.

      And we still feel we must pretend to move on. I’m told, as if I’m a diseased rodent, “I hope you find peace”, and then dismissed like a nobody.

      I feel like I’m dirty and will destroy their perfect life if I attempt to be part of it, so I stay away. That’s a good blog subject.

      This was extremely triggering for me, as I literally had fantasies of genital mutilation at ages 4,5,6 and up.

      It’s disturbing that only now I am realizing that is not normal as I blog it.

      It is a comfort that this blog is not met with criticism, as I had trouble sleeping last night after writing it.
      I know I’ve barely scratched the surface…
      More to come.
      I’m so happy to have you here, warm hugs on ya!

      Like

  2. I condemn this tendency to blame, ostracize and further victimize a survivor.

    All women get victimized to some extent, and what really amazes and disgusts me is the lack of understanding in women for someone who has suffered.

    I can only send you love and good energies, and wish that one day the pain will not reach you any more, and that you’ll be able to leave all the ugliness behind you.

    Take care of yourself, and thank you for sharing your truth.

    Like

    • I am actually working on a blog specifically about women’s tendency to doubt, shift the blame, minimize, or flat out hate another woman or child who is clearly a victim.
      It is SUCH a bitter betrayal.
      All I can do, is try to share the emotion and experience the best way I know how. I’m much more capable than I was.
      I feel the warmth in your words, and I heal just a little more every time I know that I am no longer silenced.
      Thank you so very much 🙂 your welcome anytime…

      Like

  3. Oh how this breaks my heart….. I saw you were following my blog, so I decided to stop in. I am so sorry for what you have been through. Let me tell you what the creator of the universe thinks about you. He made you in his image. He has numbered every hair on your head. He loves you more than you know. I don’t even know if you will receive that, but I felt compelled to say it! ❤ Peace and Love!!!!

    Like

    • Oh my that is beautiful! I love the deep meaning and pure truth that you put into your words. I am going through a period in my life where my creator is teaching me how to receive real love, and for once… Being surrounded in the cacoon of safety… Has allowed me to begin processing my darkness.

      It couldn’t have come at a better time!!!

      Thank you so much, my dear, for speaking those words. You are an old soul… Aren’t you?

      Like

      • I am so glad you could receive that!! I am going to copy a checklist I have been reciting and memorizing to combat the lies the enemy tries to impose on me. Let’s renew our minds in such a way, that we are constantly living in God’s truth. It’s hard in this fallen world, but with the help of the holy spirit it is attainable. We are conquerors of even death, because nothing can separate us from God’s great love!

        #1 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am a Child of God
        We are God’s children when we receive Him. We are joint heirs with Christ.
        “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” – John 1:12

        “And if children, then heirs – heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ.” – Romans 8:17

        #2 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am God’s Own, I am God’s Beloved: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” – Isaiah 43:1

        “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” – 1 John 3:1

        #3 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am the apple of God’s eye – I am loved by God, cherished by God, and highly valued by God.
        “The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” – Jeremiah 31:3, NIV

        “… for he who touches you touches the apple of his eye.” – Zechariah 2:8

        #4 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am a friend of Jesus: “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” – John 15:15

        #5 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am blessed!
        “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places.” – Ephesians 1:3

        #6 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am chosen, I am called to declare God’s praises: “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” – 1 Peter 2:9, NIV

        #7 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am Fearfully Made: I am beautifully, marvelously, carefully, fearfully & wonderfully made!
        “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; My soul knows it very well.” – Psalm 139:14
        See more Fearfully Made Bible Verses

        #8 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am known by God; I am a Name, not a Number: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” – Jeremiah 1:5

        #9 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am justified and redeemed: “And all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” – Romans 3:24, NIV

        ” And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption.” – 1 Corinthians 1:30

        #10 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am a new creature – I have new life in Christ: “For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.” – Colossians 3:3, NLT

        “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

        “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.” – Colossians 3:1

        “Put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” – Ephesians 4:24

        #11 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am God’s temple: “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19

        “Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you?” – 1 Corinthians 3:16

        #12 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am a citizen of Heaven: “For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.” – Philippians 3:20, NKJV

        #13 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am God’s workmanship: “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” – Ephesians 2:10

        #14 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am holy:
        “Even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him.” – Ephesians 1:4

        #15 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am redeemed, forgiven & sanctified: “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They shall become like wool.” – Isaiah 1:18

        “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace.” – Ephesians 1:7

        #16 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am set free from the law of sin and death: “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” – Romans 8:1-2

        “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” – Galatians 5:1, NIV

        #17 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am united with God, I’m an Ambassador: “But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.” – 1 Corinthians 6:17, NIV

        “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.” – 2 Corinthians 5:20, NIV

        #18 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I have abundant and eternal life in Jesus: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” – John 3:16

        “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” – John 10:10, NASB

        #19 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am a branch of the true vine: “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.” – John 15:1&5, NKJV

        #20 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am the righteousness of God: “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” – 2 Corinthians 5:21

        #21 What does God say about me? Who does God say I am? – I am victorious – I am more than a conqueror: “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:37-39 – Amen!!!

        Xo- Marty

        Liked by 1 person

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