What to do, or rather, what I did when I discovered I w

This Hunger Is Secret

I get this question now and then. I hear, “I am a burden to my family.” Or, “I’m just a drain on everyone.” Or, “I really don’t want to trouble anyone with my problems.”

Or what do when you find out rather suddenly, when you put two and two together and figure out those very nice folks really don’t want the likes of YOU hanging around? That they might be allowing you in, but they’re only doing this because they feel sorry for you, and would rather you weren’t there at all.

I’ve felt that way at many of the places I’ve been. Like I was the “charity case” being allowed in, but that I was not really wanted. Like I had nothing to contribute, really, but this was all tokenism, and maybe they’d include me, just to be “nice.”

I always felt that way when I was a young…

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Daddy’s Girl

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Every year Fathers Day has been a day of pain and bitterness for me.

I’d go to great lengths to “skip” that day.

On this holiday I knew that my dad would be patting himself on the back in a congratulatory manner for the years of abuse I had endured at his hands. I found it so offensive.

And my sons father wasn’t much better.

As far as I was concerned, fathers were a big disappointment.

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Occasionally I would hear a song by another woman dedicated to her father, or a man dedicated to his daughter and they nearly always brought tears to my eyes.

Tears of grief and loss, knowing I would never have that or be able to sing a song like it.

Once, in an attempt to have something that was not there, I made a recording of the song “Butterfly Kisses” for my dad on a cassette tape and gave it to him. It was like pulling teeth just to get him to listen to it.

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I woke up at the crack of dawn for a week, without any particular reason or special occasion, to cook him a good breakfast before he left for work so that maybe he’d spend some quality time talking with me for breakfast and wouldn’t be in such a rush to get out the door.

He barely ate, didn’t sit down, and still left in a rush.

I don’t remember what happened to the tape, but I do remember feeling brushed off.

I daydreamed about a dad who would cheer me on at ballet recitals and be my support through persuing my acting/singing dream. I even wished for a father who would take some interest in the guys I dated and the dances I wanted to go to and who I had a crush on. I especially needed some guidance and a push when I was graduating high school and should have been applying for colleges.

I needed a dad!!!

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I would have been so close to my dad, given half a chance!

I maintain that I always should have been a daddy’s girl, Just not with the one I had.

This Fathers Day, however, brings a ray of hope!!

As I eliminate the toxic relationships from my life, it has made room for new healthy ones.

A friendship has formed and developed into a very special bond.

The empty space in my heart that once ached for a father I find being filled more and more every day.

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The songs that used to bring so much pain and sadness before, now spark a sense of new found joy and excitement from deep within.

He has become my friend and mentor, and in many ways, the father I never had.

Though he never taught me to ride a bike, or sat with me to do homework, I already know he would have.

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He has shown me that there are good people still in this world, and how to trust again. There was absolutely no reason for him to stick around, and every reason for him to walk away, yet he stayed.

He showed me the meaning of loyalty.

He showed me what honor and kindness is.

He showed me that a man can be compassionate, gentle, nurturing, and loving without bad motives.

He showed me what a real man is.

He showed me what real love is.

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He has been there through my ups and downs.

He’s seen me through some really hard times.

He’s been there while I’ve been very sick, and he’s seen me grieve.

He’s never once judged me or made me feel bad for being me.

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He’s seen me at my absolute worst, and still finds reason’s to make me smile.

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He makes me want to be my absolute best!!

I want to be just like him!

My eyes fill with tears and my heart swells with emotion as I write this because I never in a million years thought I’d see the day when I could put my all in and say from the bottom of my heart

CHEERS!

TO THE GREATEST FATHER IN THE WORLD!

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you know who you are 😉

Poll

I’d like some feedback on what would be the first thing you’d like to find out about me.

My opinion on the mental health care system and my experience being in “the loony bin”

Experience growing up with a psychopathic father and the role I played in my family

My current status reeling from a triggering event, forcing me to relive my abuse. And the impact my past has made.

I have letters to my family that are raw.

Or make a suggestion… What would you like to know or read?

💭

I’ll run with it… Can’t wait to see what you have to say.

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Admitting is the first step

As I read through this blog, It feels like rubbing on a freshly re-broken bone. I have at times in recent months been unable to sleep, tears streaming, crying sitting in a heap of tangled bed covers, the way that broken child once did. Wet hair adhering to my sticky cheeks and forehead.

My mommy heart goes out to every single little girl or boy that cries on this night. 💗